Self In Relation Now - Women In the Workplace

I want to talk to you all today about what I commonly see in my private practice and across different work and personal settings.  Women want to be connected and feel supported while working and often bump up against a feeling that if they just worked a little harder or were just a little different, everything would fall into place. This feeling that the desired satisfaction is just out of reach is all too familiar and leaves women frustrated and perpetually unsatisfied. 

The model we have for productivity in this individualistic work culture depletes both connection and inspiration. However, Self-in-Relation theory is having it’s day in the sun and people are becoming more aware of the most basic, most profound fact of life: Humans develop in connection to others. We are seeing more and more women making choices to move towards work they find genuinely satisfying.  This begs the question- how can we better support women in the workplace who are working toward their own desires?

 There has been a lot of effort made to understand our “individual characteristic traits” as if by knowing whether we are an introvert or an extrovert we will finally understand how to interact with others.  What we actually need now is to better understand ourselves in relation, not just who we are as individuals.  It is all well and good to know if we are an introvert but how does this help us when we have to interact with extroverts, for example.  Many women need coaching in how to handle extroverts so as to get what they want, to not let the “bigger” voice drown them out.  But beyond concepts such as introversion and extroversion, we all know that women have been silenced in many work settings when they are not acting in accordance with a male standard.  When women receive mentoring and learn to find their authentic voice, they are able to shine and be a huge asset to their company despite these gendered biases.

Women can be mentored within the workplace by managers and other role models but it is also helpful to have outside support such as therapists or coaches.  In settings where the focus gets to be completely self-directed we can sometimes better understand dynamics that get in our own way and figure out how to remove these barriers to our success. 

 There is a common pattern that I see in work settings that can be hard to identify if you are not seeing the psychological dynamics at work. For some women, the power dynamics in a work setting can feel reminiscent of family dynamics or other relationships that carry a lot of weight.  Important and compassionate questions may need to be asked such as: Why do I always get stressed out or triggered around someone who has more power over me? Why do I always seem to have struggles with authority figures? Does this remind me of formative relationships?

Unconscious patterns can be at play and we need help identifying these dynamics in order to shift them.  For many women, answering these kinds of questions when they feel supported and mentored makes all the difference.  Often women need to feel safe to take on challenging high conflict issues because it requires vulnerability to make these kinds of connections.  We can have insight into the why of having authority issues, like having had a controlling parent and a boss that triggers that old wound, but we may still need help understanding where we get stuck believing we don’t have power, like when we were children.  Then going further, we all want to have this insight and be able to magically transform in the face of the knowledge- the hard truth is that it is a tedious step by step process to integrate the new information and choose to walk a different way.  We need supportive relationships to guide us in this process.

 I notice that we often make two steps forward and then one step back.  What really limits us is focusing on the one step back instead of the fact that we are still making progress.  Again, we may need support to make the connection that psychological issues are triggered in work settings that may have more to do with older family of origin issues.  If we can gain insight into these issues then when we are triggered we can pause long enough to realize that we have the confidence to face these challenges instead of turning away from them.

 Momentum-  When we starting heading in the right direction everything starts to fall into place.  We feel we are in the flow.  How can we start to learn to listen to and trust our intuition? When we do, things begin to take us in a direction that we actually want to go, we can allow ourselves to walk through the gates because we know it is right.  This certainty and knowing takes time to develop. We first need to learn to listen in and then act on this insight. When it feels right and we can let ourselves go forward with goals we build momentum. This is how women can begin to accomplish their goals.

 Agency-  I talk to women about learning to claim their agency.  We can make things happen when we push back on our fear of success.  I see many women silence themselves because they feel their ideas or ways of doing things is not right by male normative standards.  When women start to take action on their ideas and address their real needs, they are able to be more authentic and empowered.

 Listening In- Women have a way of knowing what they want but have often learned to override this intuition.  I help women learn to listen in and act from this intuitive place of knowing.  It does not do anyone any favors to pretend to want to do something or to try and comply with a work style that is ill suited.  This contorting often leads women to feeling disempowered and depressed.

 Learning how to use an authentic voice to get needs met is a skill that needs to be developed.  We need to learn to feel like it is ok to get needs met, especially if that has been unfamiliar. Women need to be mentored to find their individual style of being in their authority. I have seen time and again, when women adopt more traditional male ways of claiming authority vs. their own way of being, burnout and depression are inevitable. I try to help women see that moving from a more empowered place of being always leads to more of what you want and greater success in the workplace.  The high road may seem like the hard road but it ends up being the right road.  How can we help more women find their true high road?

I think many of us feel safe in relationships we have cultivated and where we can let our hair down, but when we are out in the world it is common to feel judged by other women.

I am interested in figuring out how to create more of a women friendly support system; even if we are coming from different areas of strength and agendas. The hierarchical model of who looks better than another was not set by us and is what keeps us oppressed, and strengthens our harsh inner voice instead of our truthful intuition. How can we pinpoint our areas of struggle and work with them instead of against ourselves? How can we rile against this desire to fit in and be accepted?

 Our ability to put ourselves in another person’s shoes greatly helps our attitude at work and in the world.  Unfortunately, women have been socialized to compare themselves to each other and stay stuck in that competitive space rather than realizing what most women are really craving is validation from each other. We all have different areas of strength and weakness.  What may be challenging for one is not for another and comparing ourselves to others leads to a continual cycle of pain and confusion.

 I believe without a doubt that women can truly flourish if we learn to better mentor and support each other and that this will make for a better workplace and world.